Helping Kids Through Grief
Helping kids process through grief cane be difficult. Here are a few ways how.
Someone you love died. Now what? Do you tell the kids? Do you talk in hushed whispers in the other room, after they’ve gone to bed? Do you explain everything in detail?
Kids need to know what’s going on. If you don’t talk to them, they may imagine things to be much worse than they really are. You’ll want to gauge what you say depending on the age of your child. Don’t be surprised if they don’t want to talk about it. Don’t be surprised if they do want to discuss every detail. You know your kid best. Pray and go with God’s leading.
When my daughter was 3, her pet goldfish died. I called my sister who was a Grief Specialist and we talked through what I should say and do. We put the fish in a small box and buried him in our garden. After a lovely ceremony, Bethany said, “Can I go watch TV?” She was done. All of us can handle only so much grief before we need to get outside, watch TV, play a game, and laugh. Then we will come back to the grief.
When your child is small, take time to notice things with them. When you see a bug, a bird or even a flower that has died, you can start the conversation when they are very small, using the words “died” and “death.” As your kid grows, grow the conversation. Maybe a schoolmate or older relative died. Maybe a beloved pet. Make a card together. Go to the visitation. See if your child has a memory they want to share. Let them ask questions.
We want to protect our kids from the hard things in life, but hard things happen. If we ignore the hard things and wait until the kids are older before we believe they can “handle it,” we miss a great chance to teach them love, kindness and how to grieve.How do you handle your own grief? Sometimes you won’t be able to speak, or you will cry until you’re sick. Don’t shut out your child. You can give them a big hug and tell them you need some time to yourself. Help them feel safe. Let your friend take over, or your spouse. When you feel a little stronger, get back to them to reassure your kid that grief is a normal response to death.
You can create opportunities to direct a conversation. Tell your kid the story of what happened. Simplify as needed. For example:
“Grandma was very sick. We visited her and she patted your hand. We brought her those pretty pink flowers. Do you remember that you smelled the flowers? How did they smell? After we left, we ate ice cream. What flavor did you have? Then we got a phone call from Aunt Pat. She told us that Grandma had died. Yes, we were all very sad.” Now might be the time to take a break from the story.
Come back to the conversation another time soon. Repeat the first part. Maybe that’s all you can say again. Eventually, you can move into how you all cried and hugged. You didn’t feel like eating dinner. Include the hard moments of sadness and missing Grandma. Extend some of the details, including happy moments of tasty food and playing with cousins. End your story on a positive note. You can ask questions: What happened next? And, then what happened? Repeat as needed, letting your kid fill in the details.
This is the conversation that makes way for healing.
Some questions your kid may ask (or wonder about and not ask, or not know to ask):
- What does “dead” mean? Dead means that the body has stopped breathing, the heart has stopped, and the brain can’t work any longer. The body can’t move. The body can’t feel anything.
- What happens to the person’s spirit, or soul? The spirit of a person is what makes them alive. We believe that God takes the person’s spirit/soul right to heaven if they believed in Jesus. (We never know what God can do for a person who has not believed in Him. We hope and pray that God has called them even at the last minute and they believe.)
- What happens to the physical body? Since the person doesn’t need their body any longer, the body will be buried or cremated. Cremated means that the body is heated up so hot that it turns into ashes. It doesn’t hurt the person since their body is dead. They don’t feel anything in their body any longer. If the body is buried, it is put into a fancy box and buried in a special place called a cemetery.
- What is Heaven like? Heaven is a wonderful place where God lives. The Bible tells us that Jesus is making a home for us there and that there will be no more death, mourning, crying or pain.
Katherine Wolf is a woman who wrestled with God’s goodness and human suffering. She gives this blessing to her two young sons who just want “a good day tomorrow.”
“God made you to do the hard thing in the good story He’s writing for your life. Whether tomorrow is the best or worst or last day of our lives, we pray that God will give us everything we need to live it out to the fullest with courage and joy.”
God will do this. He walks with us through the shadow of death. He is there, He cares. He loves you and your kid.
Resources:
All Will Be Well, Lacy Finn Borgo
Bible, John 14, Revelation 21
Dark Clouds Deep Mercy, Mark Vroegop
Habits of the Household, Justin Whitmel Earley
Heaven for Kids, Randy Alcorn
“Living with Healthy Grief”
“Seven Ways Children React to Grief”
Spiritual Conversations with Children, Lacy Finn Borgo
Suffer Strong, Katherine and Jay Wolf
The Whole-Brain Child, Daniel J.J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson
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